The Voices in my Head

I felt exhausted, anxious, almost sick. I listened for the conversations in my head. What were the voices saying? Who was speaking? One voice said that I’m getting on people’s nerves, they’re getting tired of me; finding me hard to put up with. It’s the same voice that’s telling me I might as well give up on my life, on everything:

“You’re going to give up anyway, may as well give up now. Everyone else has given up on you as well.”

One thinks I’m giving up because I’m afraid. You are original and intelligent, it says, quietly but with persistence; soothing. It tells me to be brave. To do what makes me happy. To surround myself with people I love, to be nice, be kind, and be generous.

“It’s okay to be happy, you know.”

Another voice is telling me this is just a phase of tears and frustration: it’s not what’s happening, or what my life is like, it’s just the way I’m seeing things at the moment. This voice has been saying this for a while. It’s starting to get drowned out a bit.

A voice speaks up, not very loudly, saying that people aren’t fed up with me, that they do actually care about me. Other people have their own problems, they are projecting their own insecurities onto me – you can’t take it personally, they say – be understanding, they all have their own battles to face. You’re useless to them when you’re not on the eight ball.

Some voices judge people I see with white picket fence dreams, boy troubles and nine-to-five careers in harsh stereotype, loudly quarrelling their conflicting ideas.

“Why don’t you join them?”

“Why would you even want to join them?”

“Don’t be so judgemental – they’ve made their own choices, just like you are making yours.”

“You’re not good enough, are you? You can never be like them, you’ll never fit in.”

“You’re doing your own thing, and that’s awesome. It’s all good.”

“Stop. Just stop. Be someone else. Now would be good.”

Sometimes I think that the voices have agreed on one thing: I’m mad. Many voices tell me it’s a good thing – after all, all the best people are. Others tell me I’m mad in a different way, really going off my rocker down a one-way street to eight pills a day.

But there’s one voice that shouts really, really loudly. This is the one that really drives me insane, as what it has to say makes my whole body shudder, and my soul cringe. It makes me feel small and shallow, weak and pathetic. This is the voice that tells me:

“You’re normal.”

5 thoughts on “The Voices in my Head

  1. You hit the nail on the head with “Don’t be too harsh on yourself”.

    Thanks for sharing your experience, sometimes it helps to just know that so many other people are going through (or have been through) the same thing xx

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  2. Oh, I don’t know, my voices are saying ‘why respond, you don’t know this girl’, ‘you should respond, you know this topic all too well’, and ‘Christine said it all, what’s to add?’. I guess, I have only the slightest idea of what you are going through, but I know this: I once thought to be normal. Or I had a craving for normal or even ordinary. But as it turns out, when you are truly listening to the voice inside you, the REAL voice, your instinct, your true self, you will find out that you are not normal or ordinary, you will figure out that you have so much strength and beauty inside of you, you might just surprise yourself! Doesn’t mean that I never doubt myself, my decisions and my thoughts, but I experience again and again that when I listen to my heart I make choices that make me feel happy, more whole. You know what helped me most? Not being judgmental on myself, stop being so harsh to myself. When doubt rises, that’s okay, I just let it be, I trust that it will pass. And it does. Also with sadness, same with happiness. When happiness rises, I try to enjoy it, because there will be a moment when that feeling fades as well. That’s life. I have no idea if this makes sense, but I guess what I try to say is: don’t be so harsh on yourself, go inside yourself, let your voices talk, but stay true to yourself. The REAL voice is feeling, instinct, listen to that and you will find out that you are beautiful. Just the way you are.

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  3. Oh, Zenobia, don’t be upset to be ‘normal’. That isn’t the same as being ‘ordinary’. It just means that you are human.
    It is ‘normal’ to be insecure and conflicted.
    The thing to do is to take a breath and think about all the things you DO like about yourself. Concentrate on them, be proud of them. Then look at the qualities you’d like to change and change them. We can do that you know.
    You can become the best version of ‘you’ that you can be.
    If you believe in yourself, everything is possible. Tell yourself you are strong. Look in the mirror and say it out loud to yourself. Tell yourself you are what you want to be, whatever it is. Look in the mirror and say it out loud. Tell yourself. Then go on and be strong. Be the ‘you’ you want to be.
    And tell the negative voices to get lost! That’s why you must talk to yourself out loud in the mirror. You can drown those voices out with the positive things…after all, they only have a voice inside your head if you give them permission.
    Christine
    cicampbellblog.wordpress.com

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